from the bachelor guy…

I’ve decided not to give you the same old list of things you can get your girl for V Day. Seriously, how many times can you write about jewelry and flowers and candy and lingerie? I think you’ve got the idea by now.

Well, most of you anyway. There are still some of you out there who don’t get the idea of what a “romantic” gift should be. Or, more importantly, what a romantic gift shouldn’t be.

For example: She loves salmon. Taking her to a top seafood restaurant? Romantic. Taking her fishing on a freezing stream? Not romantic.

To keep you from taking a peep-toe pump to the family jewels this Valentine’s Day, here are seven gift ideas that you might want to reconsider before wrapping them up in a red ribbon.

If She Loves to Read: A Book on How to Give a Better Blow Job
She may love reading self-help books. And you may think if she picks up a few new mind-blowing techniques it’ll add some spark to your sex life. But give her one of these books, and she’ll be using those techniques on the guy she’ll be dating tomorrow.

If She Hinted For a Spa Day: Laser Hair Removal
Good luck getting any from her ever again when she thinks you picture her as Willy Nelson in a dress.

If She Watches The Game With You: Sports Team Sweatshirt
Sure she sat with you and rooted for your team to win during the Super Bowl. That means she’s a loyal girlfriend. It does not mean she shares your fan fever. (Send the shirt to your buddy from Boston. You’ll get the same reaction, but it’ll be much, much funnier.) If you’re thinking apparel, go lace, not fleece.

If She Talks About “Spicing Things Up”: The Fleshlight
So you think a real-to-the-touch latex vagina hidden in a flashlight case is the perfect erotic gift for her? Even giving her the excuse that it’s “to give her a little relief from her nightly duties” won’t sell it. She wants a toy that’s an outtie, not an innie. (But when she’s out of town, you can get one for yourself here.)

If She Talks About Eating Better: Membership to Weight Watchers/Jenny Craig
“To My Beloved Valentine, You are fat. Love Always, Me.”

If She Wanted You to Cook For Her: Pussy Cupcakes
She hinted she’d love for you to make her something special this Valentine’s? That a man who can cook turns her on, and a little homemade treat would get her in the mood? This is not what she meant. And any comment that this is almost like having a threesome, will just make it worse. (But in case you want to make some for a bachelor party, the recipe is here.)

If She Wants Something That Will Make Her Feel Beautiful: Asshole Lightening Gel
Yes, anal bleaching (making her brown eye more light beige), is the hot new trend among the celebs and models she reads about in the tabloids. And, yes, I know that any product whose tag line asks “Is your wink pink?” is worth the $50 just for the goof. But no, it’s not an appropriate gift.